


50 things

by Likemycoffee



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 06:28:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14806106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likemycoffee/pseuds/Likemycoffee
Summary: 50 things each of the characters learned from Torchwood 3Originally posted on Livejournal





	1. Owen Harper

1\. Ianto Jones does indeed have the bottle to pull the trigger.  
2\. Gunshot wounds to the shoulder hurt a lot.  
3\. Fatal gunshot wounds to the heart hurt even more.  
4\. “You know you don’t want to shoot me” are really rubbish last words.  
5\. Pretending to Ianto that you broke his coffee machine results in psychological warfare Welsh style. (De-caff).  
6\. Jack’s method of weapons training is really, really fun.  
7\. He’s not ready to admit to himself what that might mean.  
8\. Pizza when ordered under the name of Torchwood arrives ten minutes quicker than when order it under the name of Tourist information Office.  
9\. Ianto is nowhere near as sexually repressed as he seems.  
10\. Never, ever watch the CCTV feed from Jack’s office because you learn things like that.  
11\. If he had met Toshiko Sato before Katie he would have spent the rest of his life with her.  
12\. The countryside is not as bad as he thought; it’s worse.  
13\. Humans can be bigger monsters than anything that comes through the rift.  
14\. Seducing Gwen wasn’t nearly as difficult as he thought it would be.  
15\. Seducing Gwen wasn’t nearly as much fun as he thought it would be.  
16\. If he hadn’t slept with Gwen he may have become good friends with Rhys.  
17\. He’s actually quite sad that that won’t happen.  
18\. Gwen Cooper annoys him more than anyone else in the world.  
19\. He’d never hit a woman but he wanted to slap Gwen silly for how she fawned over Jack’s dead body after Abbadon.  
20\. He let Gwen take command when Jack left secretly hoping that if he gave her enough rope she’d hang herself with it.  
21\. He was disappointed when she didn’t.  
22\. Weevil blood is really good for the skin.  
23\. If you have a microscope on your desk and a corpse on the slab it’s easy to convince anyone you’re working and not playing Call of Duty.  
24\. Everyone except Ianto.  
25\. A disapproving look from Ianto is a more effective way to make him stop skiving and start working than a bollocking from Jack would ever be.  
26\. Being King of the Weevils is nowhere near as much fun as it should be.  
27\. Never get in a locked cage with a Weevil. It does not help to numb your pain.  
28\. Touching Tosh’s computer makes her angry.  
29\. Tosh is hot when she’s angry.  
30\. Jack Harkness screams like a girl when he’s grossed out by something.  
31\. It is worth drinking so much beer to make Jack scream in horror.  
32\. Ianto Jones screams like a girl when he’s suddenly frightened.  
33\. It is worth nearly blowing Ianto’s head off to make his scream with fright.  
34\. Toshiko Sato is the one person Owen knows he can always rely on. She will never let him down when he needs her.  
35\. Ianto Jones with a gun is strangely erotic.  
36\. He’s definitely not ready to admit to himself what that might mean.  
37\. He is jealous of Mary and Tommy.  
38\. He loves Tosh.  
39\. He can never tell her because all the people he has been in love with have left him and it just hurts too much.  
40\. Saving Diane is not worth the end of the world.  
41\. The thing he feels most guilty about is that it was Diane who convinced him to open the rift and not Katie.  
42\. Shooting Jack in the head makes him feel more guilty and full of self loathing than he ever thought possible.  
43\. Jack is too forgiving for his own good sometimes.  
44\. He’s always known that Ianto was more than Jack’s part time shag.  
45\. If he could go back in time he would listen to Ianto.  
46\. He will never admit that as long as he lives.  
47\. He always knew that there was something not quite right about Harold Saxon.  
48\. He thinks Martha Jones is a better Doctor than he is.  
49\. Torchwood has been the death of him once and undoubtedly will be again.  
50\. He’s ok with that.


	2. Ianto Jones

1\. There are some things you can’t fix however much you want them to be. Lisa could never be fixed.  
2\. Saving Lisa would not have been worth losing Jack.  
3\. He has to live a good life because Annie and Dr. Tanizaki had theirs cut short. He has to live for them.  
4\. If he could go back in time to Canary Wharf he couldn’t promise to do things differently because in the end it led him to Jack. He feels guilty about this.  
5\. If, by some miracle he had managed to fix Lisa, he knows he would have left her for Jack eventually. He feels guilty about that as well.  
6\. Being attracted to men wasn’t “just a phase.”  
7\. Jack will cheat at everything if it will get him what he wants.  
8\. If Jack gets what he wants it makes Jack happy. When Jack is happy he makes Ianto very happy.  
9\. There really are lots of things you can do with a stopwatch; Hide and Seek is much more fun when played naked and measuring tapes lie no matter what Jack says.  
10\. He doesn’t actually know everything; but he will never admit that to Owen.  
11\. When Gwen asked Jack who the last person he snogged was, he was hurt that Jack didn’t tell the truth.  
12\. He lied about it as well to try and get back at Jack. It worked.  
13\. He likes Rhys a lot but he can’t help but pity him a little.  
14\. Gwen wants to sleep with Jack but Jack does not want to sleep with Gwen.  
15\. Gwen is incapable of knocking.  
16\. He likes that Gwen is incapable of knocking because it leaves her in no doubt that Jack is his in every way.  
17\. Jack does not care in the slightest about getting caught in the act.  
18\. It is worth his embarrassment to see the look on Gwen’s face.  
19\. Jack Harkness is all talk. The flirting and innuendo is just a mask to hide the lonely, frightened boy inside. That is the side that Ianto sees.  
20\. He secretly hates that John Hart probably sees that side of Jack as well.  
21\. Jack will do anything you ask if you withhold sex.  
22\. People don’t do their jobs properly unless you threaten them with de- caff.  
23\. Betraying Jack makes him feel dead inside. He has done it twice and he will never do it again.  
24\. The thing that Ianto has nightmares about most of all is not Cybermen, Daleks or cannibals; but Jack leaving him alone.  
25\. Nothing stops nightmares like Jack’s kisses and soft caresses.  
26\. When Jack left with the Doctor the days were darker than when he lost Lisa.  
27\. Ianto forgave Jack for leaving the moment he came back.  
28\. In his mind, Ianto squeed like a fan girl when Jack asked him on a date.  
29\. He thinks he managed to pull off nonchalance but he’s not quite sure.  
30\. Toshiko is the best friend he ever had.  
31\. Owen Harper is the most worthy foe in the battle of sarcasm and wit. When Owen is killed, Ianto misses this more than anything.  
32\. It is easier to shoot Owen than it is to shoot a Blowfish.  
33\. He likes Owen better dead than alive.  
34\. He realises that only in Torchwood does that statement not sound callus.  
35\. Jack’s method of weapons training is really, really fun.  
36\. The sex they have afterwards is even more fun.  
37\. His mother will accept that he can be happy in a relationship with a man but not that he can be happy in the employ of the Welsh Tourist Board.  
38\. He secretly likes the nickname Tea Boy.  
39\. He will always be slightly jealous of the Doctor.  
40\. He doesn’t care if the Master is a powerful Time Lord; if he ever meets him he will make him suffer for what he did to Jack.  
41\. Seeing Jack kiss John Hart was strangely erotic but he will never admit that as long as he lives.  
42\. PC Andy is strangely attractive.  
43\. Nearly becoming the main ingredient in a human hotpot will convince you to become vegetarian.  
44\. This conviction will be strengthened by the discovery of the space whale.  
45\. When he tells his Gran he’s vegetarian she looks at him funny and tells him he’s learning fancy ways from living in Cardiff.  
46\. He’s glad that his job means that she will always be protected from the truth about such horrors.  
47\. He has always been more than Jack’s part-time shag.  
48\. Being loved is something he is worthy of.  
49\. Jack really does love him and he really does love Jack.  
50\. Jack will never, ever forget him. He couldn’t ask for more.


	3. Gwen Cooper

1\. Never underestimate the powers that be and the things they can do.  
2\. When going undercover into a top secret base, without backup always think your plan through properly.  
3\. Never drink a drink bought for you by someone you don’t know; even if they are gorgeous.  
4\. Ianto’s archiving system was designed by aliens; as was the coffee machine.  
5\. Jack Harkness is one seriously gorgeous man.  
6\. Ianto Jones is also a seriously gorgeous man.  
7\. As well as being gorgeous, Ianto Jones is possibly the luckiest man alive because he gets to kiss Jack and sleep with Jack.  
8\. Flirting with John Hart does not make Jack want to sleep with you; unless you’re Ianto.  
9\. Solitaire is a good way to skive while appearing to work.  
10\. Jack’s method of weapons training is really, really fun.  
11\. She would have slept with Jack that night if he’d asked her. He didn’t.  
12\. Kissing Rhys in front of Jack does not make him jealous.  
13\. Rhys is not as good as Owen is in bed.  
14\. However, Owen was not worth risking her relationship with Rhys for.  
15\. There is part of her that thinks Jack might be.  
16\. Telling Jack you’re engaged does not make him beg you to run away with him.  
17\. When Jack ran up the isle shouting “stop the wedding” just for a moment she felt her heart soar.  
18\. The same thing happened when she thought Nostrovite Jack was going to kiss her.  
19\. Finding Jack and Ianto having sex in the Hot House caused her heart to break a little.  
20\. Finding Jack and Ianto having sex in the Hot House was also seriously hot.  
21\. Sex aliens may cause you to contemplate lesbianism.  
22\. Toshiko is really rather attractive. So is Martha.  
23\. Rhys will never forgive her for being unfaithful.  
24\. However much you may want it to, Retcon does not ease a guilty conscience.  
25\. She’s actually a little bit jealous of Toshiko.  
26\. She wishes she could understand when Tosh, Owen and Ianto talk in techno babble.  
27\. Toshiko could destroy someone’s life with a few clicks of her mouse. Ianto could make someone disappear.  
28\. She’s really glad that Tosh and Ianto are both on her side.  
29\. Having a relationship outside of Torchwood makes her feel a little bit superior to the others.  
30\. Never start a conversation about who you last kissed unless you want to be embarrassed and make everyone feel uncomfortable.  
31\. Owen Harper can be a proper bastard sometimes.  
32\. You can get away with shopping online at work if you tell Ianto you’re scanning for alien technology.  
33\. Getting shot really hurts. But not as much as the suspicion that Jack deliberately put her in the line of fire.  
34\. Sometimes you have to accept that people have no reason for the evil they do.  
35\. Presuming to know about Jack’s manners in bed results in being put on de-caff for a fortnight.  
36\. When you go to bed at night you never know if you’re going to be 9 months pregnant in the morning.  
37\. For a brief fraction of a second when in labour with the Nostrovite baby on that pile of straw she felt like the Virgin Mary.  
38\. Rhys wielding a chainsaw is hot. It is also hot when Rhys stands up to Jack.  
39\. It hurts that Jack trusted Ianto with Flat Holm and not her. It also hurts that Jack will not confide in her about the time he was away with the Doctor.  
40\. The thing she feels most guilty about is that when she was going to sacrifice herself and leap into the rift with John Hart her last words were going to be for Jack and not Rhys.  
41\. She hates herself because despite being married, she is not 100% sure that she wouldn’t leave Rhys if Jack asked her to do so.  
42\. Jack will never ask her to do so. He loves Ianto far too much.  
43\. Being known as the ‘heart’ of Torchwood can be downright annoying at times.  
44\. Being known as the ‘heart’ of Torchwood also gives her one hell of an ego boost.  
45\. There is part of her that will always think she did a better job of running Torchwood than Jack does.  
46\. Jack does not respond well to being railroaded.  
47\. She was wrong to take Nikki Bevan to Flat Holm Island.  
48\. She likes to think that she is cleverer than Andy.  
49\. Apparently GPS is not alien technology.  
50\. There is a time at 4am when you’ve been chasing Weevils through the Cardiff sewers for 24 hours straight when you wish you could go back to being a normal PC. Then you sit down with a cup of Ianto’s coffee and you remember that working for Torchwood is the best job in the world.


	4. Toshiko Sato

1\. She would be dead if it were not for Jack Harkness.  
2\. Everything is more fun with Jack around.  
3\. Jack has really good taste when it comes to men.  
4\. Fantasising about Jack and John Hart together is an enjoyable pastime.  
5\. The CCTV in Jack’s office is better than any fantasy.  
6\. She would die if Jack and Ianto found out that she watches it.  
7\. Ianto and Owen’s battles of wit make the day a bit brighter.  
8\. She loved Mary.  
9\. She could have been happy with Tommy.  
10\. She will never be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship, i.e. one that doesn’t involve aliens, time travellers or dead Doctors.  
11\. That is ok.  
12\. Owen is the love of her life.  
13\. When she heard that Gwen had kissed Owen she wanted to grab her by her hair and claw her eyes out.  
14\. Bitchy comments get the point across more effectively that violence.  
15\. Owen Harper reminds her of a little boy in the playground who pulls the hair of the girls he fancies.  
16\. If Diane had stayed she would have been happy for Owen.  
17\. She will always wish that she could have been the one to make him so happy.  
18\. When Diane left, seeing Owen fall apart made her heart ache.  
19\. Trying to act professionally when Owen is stark naked in front of you is very, very difficult.  
20\. Watching Gwen kissing the sex alien is so hot.  
21\. In her time at Torchwood she actually has more relationships than Jack Harkness.  
22\. She is secretly proud of this fact.  
23\. Ianto Jones is the only man who would be willing to sacrifice his life to save her.  
24\. Ianto is the best friend she could ever have.  
25\. She knows she can rely on Ianto for anything.  
26\. She’s sorry that it took almost being eaten by cannibals to realise that.  
27\. Owen may bitch and moan for England but at the end of the day he will always be there for her.  
28\. Her intelligence can be a blessing and not a curse.  
29\. She can not only fit in somewhere, she can actually belong.  
30\. Stories about people catching Hepatitis from burger vans will put others off their food.  
31\. Confusing Gwen is a really fun hobby.  
32\. Ianto is always willing to partake in a spot of Gwen-confusing.  
33\. Owen really enjoys gossiping about Jack.  
34\. If you have a lot of numbers on your computer screen and occasionally tap the keyboard you can convince anyone you’re working and not shopping for shoes.  
35\. Everyone except Ianto.  
36\. Reading people’s innermost thoughts is like reading someone’s diary. You learn things you were better off not knowing.  
37\. At times, Gwen can actually be quite funny. It pains her to say it.  
38\. She will never be allowed to drive the SUV. She has learned to live with it.  
39\. Unlike Ianto, having sex with Owen is exactly what she would like to do if the world was ending.  
40\. Jack’s method of weapons training is really, really fun.  
41\. When Owen died her heart split clean in two.  
42\. Jack is not as strong as people think he is.  
43\. He has become a lot stronger since he found Ianto.  
44\. She knew there was something not right about Suzie.  
45\. She could never forgive Suzie for her betrayal of Torchwood.  
46\. No amount of money would persuade her to switch jobs with Ianto.  
47\. For a moment at Gwen’s wedding reception she was tempted to sleep with Banana Boat. When the moment passed she felt rather sick.  
48\. The thought of being trapped in the 1940’s absolutely terrified her.  
49\. She never expected to live longer than five years when she joined Torchwood.  
50\. While working in any other profession would mean that she could live a lot longer, she would never be as happy as she is working for Torchwood.


	5. Jack Harkness

1\. Monogamy is definitely not overrated.  
2\. The Welsh accent does things to him he never thought possible.  
3\. Always carry lube. It comes in handy for so many things.  
4\. Making Owen feel uncomfortable should become an Olympic sport.  
5\. Video footage of Owen running into Cardiff bay goes down a storm on You Tube.  
6\. Honesty is always the best policy. Except when it isn’t.  
7\. Once Gwen has the bit between her teeth she will not let go however loud you shout.  
8\. Sometimes, the only way to shut Gwen up is to let Ianto give her a GPS tracker and damn the consequences.  
9\. Ianto Jones is not perfect but he’s pretty damn close.  
10\. Loyalty, like trust has to be earned. This works both ways.  
11\. Ianto has a particularly sensitive spot behind his left ear.  
12\. When Ianto is angry the paper work seems to breed. When Ianto is happy again it disappears like magic.   
13\. Finding the Doctor was not worth almost losing Ianto.  
14\. He is Ianto’s bitch and proud of it.  
15\. If a team member is acting normally, they’re probably hiding something.  
16\. Suffering for a year at the hands of a madman makes you realise what’s really important in life. The hard part is having the courage to act on it.  
17\. If John Hart had turned up at any other time when Jack was stranded on Earth he would have been tempted by his offer.  
18\. He loves getting caught having sex with Ianto because he wants everyone to know what a hot boyfriend he’s got.  
19\. John may have been a good wife but he is not as good in bed as Ianto.  
20\. If John ever tries it on with Ianto he will kill him.  
21\. He has so many painful memories, but red UNIT caps will always make him smile.  
22\. He has all the time in the world but he never has enough time with the people he loves.  
23\. Every time he saw Estelle he told her the truth; just never out loud.  
24\. He likes it when Ianto wears his coat because it smells like him. He is aware of how girly that sounds.  
25\. Ianto jealous is cute... calling Ianto cute when he’s jealous makes Ianto angry... an angry Ianto means no sex for Jack...Ianto jealous is not cute.  
26\. He is more likely to try and sleep with Rhys than he is to try and sleep with Gwen.  
27\. Ianto doesn’t eat nearly enough vegetables.  
28\. He would do anything to make Ianto smile.  
29\. Sleeping in Ianto’s arms keeps nightmares away.  
30\. If those cannibals had killed his Ianto Jack would have shown no mercy.   
31\. Ianto will never understand the appeal of roofs and offices.  
32\. That’s ok because he will never understand the appeal of rugby.  
33\. He will never stop blaming himself for Grey.  
34\. His greatest fear is that in a few million years he will end up looking like the Face of Boe.  
35\. If he was single, he would have tried harder to sleep with the Doctor.  
36\. Despite having a thing for insane, power hungry time travellers he somehow never had a crush on the Master.  
37\. Ianto will only divulge his deepest feelings in Welsh and Jack will never let on that he’s fluent in it.  
38\. Toshiko is the most incredible woman he has ever known.  
39\. If it wasn’t for Toshiko he would never have been strong enough to lead Torchwood in those early days.  
40\. The thing he feels most guilty about is not trying harder to stop Yvonne Hartman.  
41\. There are better things than sex. Holding Ianto in his arms on the dance floor is one of them.  
42\. Owen was right about the countryside.  
43\. You don’t need a tractor to save the day but it helps.  
44\. The bigger the gun the more heroic you look.  
45\. Paul O’Grady is a really funny guy.  
46\. Ianto doesn’t respond well to the suggestion of a threesome with Owen.  
47\. Ianto responds very well to special tutoring on the firing range.  
48\. Teaching the newbies to shoot will always be one of his favourite things.  
49\. He will never understand Tosh’s computer system or the archives. He has come to terms with it.  
50\. The Doctor may think he’s wrong, but as long as Ianto thinks otherwise he will be happy.


	6. Bonus: Rhys and Andy

10 things Rhys Williams learned from Torchwood 3 

1\. There are aliens.  
2\. There are big, scary aliens.  
3\. His wife catches them.  
4\. Getting shot hurts but it’s worth it to keep Gwen safe.  
5\. Never eat kebabs or any meat that you can’t identify.  
6\. Advancing on an alien in the shape of his mother, with a chainsaw in hand is more fun than it should be.  
7\. Jack Harkness is actually a pretty decent guy. He just wishes he was a bit less good looking.  
8\. He will never understand how Ianto puts up with Jack.  
9\. He’s proud that he plays a small part in saving the world.  
10\. His job may not be the most glamorous in the world but as long as he has his Gwen he’s the happiest man in the world.

 

10 things PC Andy learned from Torchwood 3

1\. Torchwood is annoying as hell. They get all the best cases.  
2\. Jack Harkness really reminds him of Mulder from the X Files.  
3\. He’s not quite sure which one would be Scully though.  
4\. Sometimes ............Torchwood turn up when everything is perfectly normal and there is nothing to worry about.  
5\. There was one time............. Torchwood helped out when a weather balloon exploded over Cardiff.  
6\. A few weeks ago............Torchwood had nothing to do with that explosion.  
7\. He suspects that someone from Torchwood may be interfering with his memories.  
8\. The bloke in the suit who reminds him of the guy who works in the Tourist Office down by the Bay, is really good looking and makes an awesome cup of coffee.  
9\. If Torchwood is supposed to be a secret organisation they should drive about in something less conspicuous.  
10\. Torchwood is............absolutely not covering up the existence of aliens.


End file.
